Thursday, 28 February 2013

Am I doing something wrong?

Sometimes life scares me a bit. Not the growing up, finding a partner, getting a good job, earning enough money to stay alive and having kids bit, but the prospect of how understatedly huge life is. I don't know if I'm alone in this, but I'm quite confused about what I'm actually supposed to be doing in my life. I'm worried that I almost throw my days away by doing nothing, or the same thing over and over. I always just listen to music after always doing my homework and I always just sit around on my laptop doing nothing. I always just do the same thing, and it intimidates me that I will most likely do a lot of my current routine for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I'm supposed to be feeling excited and young and awake all the time because I'm a teenager or whether feeling like falling a sleep 70% of the time is how I should be spending my days of youth. Sometimes I even feel outside of myself at things I've been really excited to be doing, as if I'm evaluating how I am feeling to how I get the impression I should be feeling instead. And then, when I come home I wonder if I can't remember everything properly because I was too busy daydreaming about what I was and wasn't supposed to be doing. I can't just get in there and really let go because I'll start to think about how I should remember this moment because it will be symbolic of your youth. But then I can't actually fully remember the moment because again I was too locked inside my own thoughts to really notice my surroundings.

I'm not saying that every exciting thing in my life is lost because I'm so vacant a lot of the time, but I'm often worried about how I feel and remember certain situations. I feel almost pressured by stories of being young to embrace this time of my life with all I've got. But I think I need to stop worrying about how I will remember this in my adult years and try to focus on now. Stop worrying about sitting around and being unproductive and just enjoy it whilst I still can. I think that, even when I think I'm meant to be thinking about my future, what I really need to think about is my present. I just need to be in my present.