What are you supposed to do with the ugliest depth of yourself that feels all the pain and jealousy and hurt? I find myself so unappealing when faced with a barrage of rejection, and then watching others succeed makes me feel like some double headed monster of self-loathing and poisonous jealousy. I don’t want to feel jealous, I wish others the best. But how do I build up a wall of resistance to the toughness of life and when do I say “I give up”?
My “failure” feels palpable. I can reach out and touch it. I can feel it in my chest. You let yourself down again, Mol. Could have done better, should have done better. Not good enough. Never good enough.
Being completely honest with myself I crave constant external validation. I want so badly to be told I’ve done a good job, to have my work enjoyed, to make a difference. I am so embarrassed by this, it’s shameful. But it is so hard to keep going when it’s always “maybe next time” and the negative space that follows.
I am struggling. I try to stay afloat. I’m swimming wildly. Water keeps getting into my lungs. I cough it up, panicking. Must stay above the water. Kicking my legs like mad I pretend to be calm on the surface. I am calm I am calm. I mustn’t let this effect me. How do I let something hurt without letting it drown me?
I kept trying to tell myself “I can do this”. I can do that. I can do that as well. I can do it. Let me try, let me show you. Let me show you how I do it. But slowly, as I get whittled down into something smaller than what I was when I started out, I’m not sure I can. I can’t do that. I can’t show you. I can’t do it. I can’t show myself anymore.
How do I stop feeling like my heart is breaking every time the email says “unfortunately” “we regret” “not this time”? It’s not personal, but it’s personal to me. I try so hard to grow thicker skin but today it is raining and my skin is so thin and my chest is tight with so much tension and I want so much to cry in this cafe.
And I know the last time I felt heartbreak and the last time it felt like it was never going to happen, I healed and grew and what I wanted appeared in a way that was stronger and more beautiful than I had ever imagined. But, my God, when that heartbreak is here. When all the self-doubt, self-loathing, self-pitying, ugly, ugly feelings wash in like the floodgates have been opened. I forget. I forget what I came here for, like walking into a room and not remembering why. What did I need again? What was that thing that was going to bring me joy?
This too shall pass. It always does. But right now, in the midst of it, I find myself falling.
