Just some words

So, I wasn't going to write today. I have had a long day at work. I have sent emails, and inputted data, and logged and saved and 'actioned' various things. Eight hours filled with that and then I went and did the shopping. I had to get the marzipan and the royal icing ready for the Christmas cake. 

And then I got home and I unpacked the shopping and I opened the bag of 'Christmas nut selection' for a snack. Then I sat down and applied to anything I could think of that might give me an acting or a writing job. Did I mention? I'm looking for anything that might allow me to act or write. For money. Or not. 

And I'm tired now and I'm thinking, "I'll write tomorrow." I'll stop now and I'll scroll through TikTok on my phone to let my brain turn off. But do you know what would happen tomorrow? I would get to this exact point in the day and say "I'm tired, I'll write tomorrow." 

So I wrote today. It's not much, but I did it. I got some words down. I constructed sentences. I feel the better for it. I can cross off a thing on my to-do list. Now I will stop and turn my brain off. 

Good night. 

I have turned 24.

I turned 24 last Thursday. I have reached the age now where every time a birthday comes around I think "God, that went quickly. How on earth can I be this old?" and also "wow, remember when I was younger and I felt old then? That Mollie didn't even know what was going to hit her." Which I'm assuming is just a sentiment I will now have forever and ever. Not least because I haven't actually reached a quarter of a century yet. 

To celebrate I ate a lot of very delicious food, drank copious amounts of alcohol, and sang very loudly into a microphone with my closest friends at karaoke. I felt very full, in multiple ways, but mainly with love. 

In the last few years I have become a softer, calmer, more accepting version of myself. I move forward into a future I have no way of predicting, and it no longer frightens me so much. I accept it. I accept that there may be harder times ahead, that I may feel greater pain than before, that I may lose and grieve and get lost. I also accept that none of that is real until it happens. I have no control over anything except the way I experience the world. I choose to be calmer, I choose to be softer, I choose to be compassionate in as many ways as I can. 

And whatever happens, whatever happens, I know that I am surrounded by people who love me deeply and who I love deeply back. It's all going to be okay, baby. It is all okay.