Mad or brave?

I’ve written a play. Well, it’s the play I wrote last year. The same play. Only, this time, I’m doing it on my own. In less than two weeks. In a London fringe theatre. 

I have never done a one woman show before, not least one that I have written or one which concerns my personal experiences. 

I am so scared. I keep wondering if I I’ve actually lost the plot. Was I sober when I planned this? Was I thinking straight? What if I get on the stage and just burst into tears? Or, worse, I dry up completely? 

With a cast behind you, to interact with, to rely on, they have your back. You dry up and they come in moving you onto the next bit or covering over silence. This time I have nothing. I dry up and I just have to stand there, gaping at some poor audience wishing they were somewhere else.

This is an enormous challenge I have given myself. I wrote this play when I felt very sad and very alone. And now I feel much less sad and much less alone. Frankly, I feel almost like a different person to the girl who wrote that play. I'm even in love with someone! So I am tapping into some of the worst things I have ever felt, revisiting them, and acting it all out. It’s actually a fucking bizarre experience. Actually having to act yourself, but a different self, someone you once were. 

On Thursday I had a rubbish rehearsal. My poor director sat with me for a few hours whilst I went through every line without any feeling, apart from dejection and a sudden dip in confidence. I had the very terrifying thought that maybe I couldn't do it at all. I'd tricked myself and now it was too late to do anything about it. 

But, then again, I have got to trust people's belief in me. No one so far has told me to stop before I embarrass myself. They've said "cool!", "well done!", "how exciting!". Unless everyone I know hates me and would like to see me suffer in a theatre above a pub for a few nights, I think I should trust their judgement. 

Bad rehearsals happen, they just feel more spectacular when you're the only one performing. I may be completely mad, but I have a feeling it will be okay. 

And having said all that, come and see it? http://www.draytonarmstheatre.co.uk/loneliness-and-other-adventures

Whatever happens next.

It has been a week since I finished my final exams and my degree as a whole (a week!). 'Freedom' isn't quite what I thought it was going to be. I have been so tired that my average bedtime has been 10:30 pm on the dot. My emotions keep swinging wildly between relief and excitement and a sudden, overwhelming dread of the unknown that is to come.

What am I supposed to do now?

I feel like I am existing in a liminal space. Floating between two different parts of my life, waiting for graduation to cut the cord between me and the comfort blanket of education.

I feel a bit aimless, or without something to anchor myself to. I haven't got a fancy grad scheme set up for September, just the strong desire to write and create as much as possible. Really, that could mean anything.

I'm not complaining. It is a wonderfully exciting space to be in. But also terrifying. And weird. For now I am just floating, pondering, curious about whatever happens next.