Let it end.

The incident in London this week is something that will be discussed widely and passionately for weeks to come, and with more knowledge and understanding than I so far possess so I will keep this short.

A soldier was killed in Woolwich by two other men who appear to be Islamic extremists/terrorists. It was a brutal, violent and bloody attack that I think most of us are quite disgusted by. I can't, and don't want to, imagine how it must have looked to witnesses, how terrifying and unusual. How sickening. I believe that the argument these two men are using for their vile act of hatred is it was some sort of "eye for an eye" payback for the British troops in Muslim countries.

This violence is unfathomable, its purpose unjustifiable, and I will never understand it. I will live in a perpetual state of confusion at acts like this, because I do not comprehend why. It is upsetting and frightening and we can do nothing except sell newspapers that mostly propose racist theories for the outcome and reason for this event.

Oh, please let it end. Let this awful violence and hatred end.

When I'm gone.

I have come to my own conclusion that once you have died, that is it. There is no heaven nor hell, no paradise, no waiting in purgatory, no becoming a ghost, no nothing. You lose all consciousness, your mind has finally stopped thinking. You are gone. And I wish I could say there was a place for your soul, that the person inside of you can never die, but I don't see any other way they can exist. Where would they go? The amount of dead people to live ones is much higher, and will continue to rise. Where does every single soul of every living person ever to walk on Earth disappear to?

Truthfully, this view of death I have recently formed absolutely terrifies me. As I'm sure it does the majority of the human population. I cannot, and will not, ever be able to imagine what it is like to not be anything anymore. I will always be me, thinking in my head, being conscious. I don't want myself to cease existence, I want to always be aware of the world. But something in me believes, knows, that one day I will not be.

I think it is why I have this desire for people to know who I am, what I think, what I mean because the only way I can ever picture an afterlife is through memory. And even that  too will run out eventually. My name will not exist forever, which is why I feel I have to have people know me. I want to be remembered because that is afterlife. The imprint your soul leaves on the Earth for a while after you have gone.

I often wish I could believe, like I did when I was young, that there is a place in the clouds where you go when you are dead to be with all the loved ones that left before you. The place where everything you ever wanted and ever loved is, and you are completely content. That is what I used to imagine. I used to imagine meeting my great grandmother, whom my mother speaks of so fondly, because she seemed ever so magnificent and my heaven would be to live peacefully forever with my family.

I suppose, however, I have created the afterlife for my great-grandma with my name. I was named after her, and somehow I feel that means I have been given her soul to look after. Even though she may not ever be aware of me I can keep her memory for longer, we will have our afterlife in tandem. When I die I will not only bear the last impression of my soul but of hers as well. I hope.

I am not entirely sure that spirits of people do really go away. That sometimes wisps of souls turn up from nowhere and pass through you. When I was younger I was certain that I'd felt Mollie's presence in the room, and it was beautifully powerful. I will live with the hope that someday after I've gone someone feels my presence with them, just for a moment. As a breath of my past mixes with the present in this long line of time.

Someday that will comfort me completely, and I will be okay with losing myself for eternity and having my conscious end. For the moment, however, I believe I am still uncertain. Sometimes I feel okay with dying, and others I feel frightened even if it's most likely in the very, very far future.

Enough of death for now, for living is the only thing we can do and soon it will run out.

A memory.

I went to my first ever concert last night. It was bloody well fantastic. I saw The Vaccines. They were pretty damn cool. And I couldn't help but stop to think amidst the brilliant, buzzing atmosphere and say to myself "You are an incredibly lucky person, Mollie, you are alive and unbelievably happy. What more can you ask for?"

And I couldn't think of anything more I could want at that moment. All I really knew was that my life is going pretty swell. I've had my fair share of undesirable times, but it's these moments that I will remember and cherish most ardently.

I was standing close to the stage, but not in the mosh pit. I was wearing a poofy dress and a dog-tooth blazer and had stolen my mum's 90s heels, I had at least four layers of red lipstick on and I looked deadly cool. The noise of the band was so loud I could feel the drum beat pounding in my chest, as if it were replacing my heart with a different rhythm. The guitar - excellent. The singer - inexplicably attractive.  I only knew three songs of theirs, but did that matter? No. I still waved my hands in the air and shook my head about like I just didn't care. When I did know a song I screamed, made an excited gesture to my friend and half-danced to the beat. And shouted/badly sang the chorus.

I was absolutely in a place where nothing on Earth could bring me down from. One of my best friends was beside me, brilliant music was being brilliantly performed and I felt very, very alive. The crowd were singing along, I could see the standing area transformed into a sea of waving arms and bobbing heads. The people around me were dancing crazily and so I too, without any shame, danced crazily until blisters formed on my feet in some of the most uncomfortable shoes. I was blissfully content to continue bouncing up and down and shaking my head like a madwoman despite my aching feet, sweating and lack of breath or fitness. That was all part of the fun.

And when the band left the stage, and I waved goodbye to the guitarist who couldn't see me, and I couldn't hear myself speak anymore, and I was out of breath, and I had the widest smile and all I could say was "OH MY GOD".... I thought, that was a pretty damn good night. I had a good time.

Train journey appreciation post.

I love train journeys. I love the buzz of the people, their conversations, their anticipation for their destination, their variety. I love the views, people's back gardens, back ends of industrial estates, mountains, the sea, fields, school playgrounds, offices, valleys, rivers. I love it when you go into a tunnel and the frequency changes and it's as if you've entered a black hole to arrive on the other side in another universe. I love the gentle lull of the train on its tracks, as it drums you into a daze. I love the warmth of the train and, when you're lucky, the sun finding your face as you move with it, chasing it. I think that the train is the most gentle of transports, its slow and calm journey is soothing as you find comfort knowing that this beastly machine will get you safely to your destination. A train journey is often a very satisfying one to make.

This is why above all the destruction of areas of natural beauty, I am against HS2. I don't believe that the majority of people want to get to Birmingham a whopping time of 20 minutes earlier, because the train journey is an important experience. People can easily get work done on a train, especially with plug points and WiFi. Most people take their train journeys as a chance to relax, finish bits and pieces, read a book, listen to some music, just watch the world go by. I don't see how spending billions of pounds on a train that won't even be able to reach it's full speed will benefit any man or woman. Whether business or not. I am not against change or development within our country and economy, but I don't believe that getting people to cities 20 minutes faster will make much difference. I don't understand this concern with time. We have plenty of time if we only stop for a moment to notice. Efficiency is only usually effective when people are calm and relaxed about doing things and getting to places. If we offer a journey that is supposedly faster, people will be expecting that and when it's not delivered it will only cause angst.

I say no to HS2 because train journeys can be a wonderful experience, and a high-speed train takes away that magic. Trains are the majestic old grandfathers of modern transportation, don't let's ruin that.

Freya Mallard - Wonderland.

One of my close friends, Freya, has started a fashion blog to express her love of the latest vogue. She writes in such a way that you're not bored to death by a detailed description of Vivienne Westwood shoes or whatnot. I'm really impressed with the quality of her blog and I believe it should have a good readership, because it's interesting and well presented. She's also a good photographer and showcases a lot of her work through her blog as well. So, I'm using my blog to promote her blog like all good blogging friends should. I hope you enjoy it.

https://freya-mallard.squarespace.com/

People watching.

There is something deeply calming, and satisfying, in watching people from a quiet cafe as they unknowingly act out a play for you whilst you sit and drink coffee. As they walk past in their hundreds thinking a thousand different things, going to a thousand different places and coming from a thousand different pasts. Each one of them has lived a separate life and secretly you witness a tiny fragment of it without their knowledge. How delicious.

You notice differences in people, and similarities. Their gaits, sometimes their voices, their stance, their behaviour in the outside world. You see families walking along and watch an entire different world stroll past as they take a separate history to yours with them. You watch arguments, and laughter, and anxiety as you sit indifferently with a cappuccino.

The magic is that they don't know you're dipping quickly in and out of every one of their lives, for one moment of their existence. It's like one hundred different secrets absorbed by you in one sitting, and you'll never tell. Sometimes you don't even notice you're taking these secrets, they just enter your subconscious as your brain feeds on detail.

And once you finish your coffee, pay the bill, stand up from your table, put your wallet away and walk off, you take those stories with you. Those tiny shared moments in time are stored away somewhere in your memory, they may never come out again but they will be marked as the moment you stood still and the Earth kept moving. The moment you observed from the outside, let your life pause whilst everyone else carried on and stole secrets with your coffee.

I urge you to people watch, it's truly wonderful for the soul.

I'm a wimp.

There are so many opportunities that I can take and so many paths I can follow that quite often I shy away in fear of reaching the unknown. Sometimes I want to grab myself and shout right up close to my face "YOU CAN DO IT MOLLIE THERE IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF" because too many times I have said no.

A few of my school friends took the opportunity, an opportunity I also had, to go to Ghana on a trip of a life time. I decided not to go because I'd probably get scared there, I'd be out of my territory, I'd get ill. I wasn't bothered about not going even when they left for the airport, but as soon as they returned yesterday evening I knew I'd made a very big mistake. From the photos that have been posted and the tweets that I've seen in my feed it looks like my friends have just had the absolute time of their lives. An experience I feel almost upset to have let pass me by.

I have the chance in a few years to possibly take this opportunity again, and boy will I try my best to get it. This has taught me to never again let chances gently slip pass me whilst every one else around has the most incredible experiences. It was a challenge that would have been good for me, it will be a challenge that will help me in the future.

I hope that this has taught me to stop saying no, to not think about being ill or being scared and to just focus completely on the positives. I want to go somewhere and have my perspectives changed for the better, because to me that's the most amazing experience a person can have.