Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Anger.

I lose my temper far quicker than I should do. I have a tendency to snap or become irritated with people easily. It could be over the smallest thing, and I can just possibly show discreetly that the particular thing has angered me but I do it all the same. It happens too quickly and too easily, and I don't know if I fully understand why. I consider myself to be a very happy person almost all of the time, but for some reason I have been known to have a hot temper. I'm not the only one to react in this heated way, my family sometimes struggle to keep composure also. I think that maybe we are all quite strongly opinionated on subjects, some opposing each other's opinions within the family, or feel passionately about most of what we believe in, which causes us to become quite defensive or angry when agitated by certain people or issues. We are all also a family of very headstrong individuals meaning we live in an environment where we are constantly bouncing off each other either in passionate agreement or disagreement, and so when surrounded by others I feel I need to be listened to and voice my opinions when I believe something to be wrong. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but the way in which I react to certain situations can sometimes result in a worse place from where I was before.

If someone or something really angers me, I make sure that they or someone knows. I am not the sort of person to let something of the moment that I take offence to or feel effected by slide past. If I feel an individual has said something I strongly disagree with or something deliberately aimed at hurting or insulting me, I become quite passionate.

 I have in the past become so infuriated that I actually got the urge to act with some sort of violence. I never have, and I sincerely hope that I never will, but I have genuinely felt awfully close to hitting or causing someone pain just because I have got so heated. It's a truly horrid feeling, your whole body suddenly becomes literally very hot and you almost shiver with anger. You're practically blinded with this urgent need to get at this person, to cause them pain, to make them understand that they are wrong or they have hurt you and that this is how you feel and the need to know this. It's so important that they know this, you cannot just simply walk away having become so worked up it's like your whole body has been effected by the anger and you must let it out. And you do, but you say the most ridiculous things and nothing you actually wanted to say or do happens because your mind is so occupied with this passion that it's barely able to think. Then you come back down to reality and you look at yourself and the situation you're in and you feel so ashamed, so embarrassed, that you allowed yourself to become like that, to let go of your dignity and become an unrecognisable version of you. And then you run away and cry because it felt so horrible, and you feel exhausted from the intensity of the emotion and you just can't bare it anymore. You end up, eventually, far worse off than before you lost control and that huge amount of effort and emotion was just a very big and very embarrassing waste of time.

I allow myself to become the lesser person even if I know that I'm the right one, and I truly, truly hate it. It isn't often that I feel this way, in fact, I rarely ever become so angered but I still loath the fact that I ever have or do. I genuinely feel ashamed of the fact I let that happen to me, that I actually lost control of my senses. It really upsets me. But I understand that when people come to be this way it is rarely out of choice, or without impulsive and impetuous decision. I just wish that I had more restraint when I get angry or hurt, I certainly will try to be calmer and more sensible the next time I am involved in a dispute. I suppose I just need to take a deep breath the next time I am on the verge of losing myself to anger and think of the consequences I will cause for myself more than the other person, because I know it upsets and embarrasses me when I do let it happen.

I am not saying that it is wrong to feel passionately about things, or to act on your anger if you feel you have been wronged, but I am saying it's important to stay in control and composed because it will only be harder for you if you don't. I'm proud of the fact I don't let myself be bullied, or am brave enough to stay true to my opinions even when the majority disagree. My parents have taught me that, and I am extremely grateful that I have been brought up in a family full of people who make themselves be heard. I believe it to be an important skill to have. I just wish that sometimes I wasn't quite so passionate about things that really don't matter, and I would be better off just walking away from them.