Hold out your hand.

My mum keeps telling me to hold out my hand whenever I am scared or worried. I come to her to tell her that something is wrong, or that I am frightened, or that I am not believing in myself. She just says "hold out your hand and keep the thought there. Just hold it out from you and let it be."

I still have not held out my hand. The thoughts I have brought to her are still very much in my head, still making my chest tight, still making my whole body tense up. I am stubborn. I do not want to believe that I can push the thought away. Sometimes I cling onto the thought because it feels so real. If it is not real then all this energy is for nothing. If I do not worry then the thing I am worrying about will actually happen. I can't hold my hand out and let it be!

What I really want is for my mum to make the thoughts go away without me actually having to do anything. I want her to tell me everything will be fine and I want that to be true. I don't want to have to be in control of my thoughts because often it feels like they are happening to me and I can do nothing about it. But I am very much in control of those thoughts. If I were not in control, I would not be actively letting them continue in my head instead of holding out my hand and observing them, then letting them go.

I think that my worrying is a way for me to try and control what does and doesn't happen to me but really it does the opposite. If I was better at letting it all be I would definitely be happier. The constant tightness in my chest, the active listening to negative thoughts does not feel good.

But panicking and worrying are such powerful, overwhelming things. It is so hard to listen when your mum says hold your hand out. How ridiculous, that will never work. It does work though, doesn't it? I really must get better at listening to what she says.