Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Endeavour to be whacky.

I have always had this desire to stand out and be different from the uniform culture around me. I know this is not unusual, that it is almost natural for one to strive for uniqueness against a world that appears the same. Yet, I feel there's always been something in me that has had quite a powerful need to define myself as a unique human being out of the 7 billion that are out there. Whether that be by my image, by my tastes, by my voice, by my opinion or by my persona. I have always been attracted to the idea of being confident in your own self enough to significantly stand out against a certain culture or stereotype.

I find it entertaining to surprise people about myself. To allow them to infer one thing about me only to discover something totally different, something that defies what they initially expected of me. It pleases me to learn that a particular part of myself is separate from the norm. Not separate from the cultural body or community as a being, but separate from its rules and regulations. From its expectations and understanding. I do not always specifically attempt to get people to notice my differences, but when they obviously express that what they discover about me is unlike what they had supposed I do feel an element of confidence. Confidence in that who I am is strong enough to independently, without trial,  go against the direction I am essentially required to follow.

Although, often I am unsure of how to deliberately stand out against the crowd when I consciously desire to do so. I also sometimes believe there is an element of vanity in wanting to surprise people with myself. Not of my image, but of the impact I may have on people. I must first have a belief that there will be any. And when there is, or when I suspect there may be, I find myself pleased by it. Pleased that I have had the ability and/or a uniqueness to successfully impress or effect someone and their opinion of me.

I am not even fully certain that the belief I may have in my differences to others is not a pure illusion. I am sure that in some aspects of myself I am as average as the next person. But that is also no bad thing. All I can say is that I would much prefer to be referred to as whacky and unusual than to be known as an average young girl and that it has always been so.