Tuesday, 2 April 2013

I have a yellow trench coat. For crying out loud.

I am a very middle class, straight laced, well educated, well mannered, well spoken, well behaved, ordinary looking girl and sometimes, just sometimes, I think how excruciatingly boring that is. I am grateful for being well educated and well spoken, I can go anywhere with that. But will I have missed something by the time I reach my 40s when I live in a nice house with a nice husband with our nice children? What will I have experienced? The time of my life at a good university? Some occasional drunk nights but never to the point of vomiting because two glasses of red wine and half a pint is enough to make the room spin?

Will my biggest thrill come from buying a pair of expensive duck egg blue brogues? Will my cottage in a home county be full of Cath Kidston and 'nice' little quotes about "Living, Loving and Laughing"?

I don't think I want that. Not quite. There has to be something more to it, I have to have a secret memory of another life I touched the edge of. I have to at least try.

I want to get a nose piercing, but I'm told that will look trashy. That's not 'me'. You won't be able to get a job easily. Who said I was pining for a career where people are judged purely on their looks? Who said I wanted to experiment with my image for anybody? Why am I even asking them?

I could just cut my hair off, wear it short, put some eye liner on, walk out the door, find a pub and do whatever. I could be an entirely different person.

What's stopping me?

I wear flowery patterns, pastel colours, Peter Pan collars, dresses, pixie boots, messenger bag, I have a yellow trench coat for crying out loud. Could I fit any more cosily into this middle class, home county little bubble I live in?

I like who I am, I like what I am, sometimes I mostly like how people see me. But what else is there? And do I want to find out? Will it ruin me? Will it make me? Will it make a new me?

I just don't want to belong to a cliché anymore. Can I do that? Can I break away from the ordinary? Do I want to?

I don't know. I don't know who I am, what I want but I sure as hell want to work it out. I think you'll all know when I do.