Sunday 13 September 2020

My little sister.

I dropped my sister off at university yesterday. I didn't think much of it before but now it's one day with her gone and already I am finding myself thinking "oh, Hannah's not here." 

Being the older one I haven't felt this before. I was the one moving away to new horizons, not thinking too much about how my sister might feel without me in the house. She might not want to admit it but I know that she missed me when I was at university. 

My sister is one of those people who always comes across as very capable. She can be very pragmatic when she needs to be. So I didn't think much about leaving her on her own for the first time. I hadn't realised that she has never been away from Mum, Dad or me for longer than a couple of weeks. I haven't felt scared about leaving home for a while now, I forgot what that might be like. But when I was watching her set up in her new student home I suddenly felt both protective and proud. I could feel and remember the fear of thinking that by the end of the day our parents and I would be gone and that big house and that big town would be hers and hers alone. 

Some days she might feel like she rattles around in it. Sometimes she might feel a little lost. Sometimes, most of the time actually, she will feel like she is on top of the world. She will feel free and excited and brilliant. 

There will be streets in her new town where she can point out the places she cried, the places she met new friends, the places she laughed so hard she couldn't stand up. She will own those streets forever, even when she is one day very far away. She will become herself in those streets. 

She may feel very frightened at the beginning, or half way through, or even right at the very end. But she will never be alone. I am only a drive or a train ride away. Her big sister, watching her flourish, ready to catch her if she falls. 

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