Life is happening.

I have a heaviness in my heart and I can't quite put my finger on it. Well, actually I can, it is about the future. I am still hung up on it. I am still unsure of how to deal with such uncertainty. I crave the structure of my life that I had up until this moment.

I feel much more scared than excited. I am scared of what the future has to mean. It has to mean loss, sadness, and grief as much as it means opportunity. When my life changes, as it inevitably will, what changes with it? What do I have to lose? I feel like I am trying to keep myself suspended in the present so as not to have to deal with what comes next. The present is good, but at some point I have to move forward and I am terrified of the consequences.

The consequences are not necessarily bad. My life can fit back into itself with whatever changes occur. The people who love me won't disappear, I won't be catapulted away from them or they from me.

I am also struggling with the concept of what I actually want. The answer is I don't have a clue. I seem to have convinced myself that I need to make a decision right now about everything that will ever happen in my future. I am cushioning myself against things that might not ever happen, because I am afraid of the pain it will cause. I want all the pain in my life to be done with. I am worried that a good life involves no pain, that pain is a waste, and that if I make the wrong decision and I feel pain I will have ruined my twenties, my thirties, etc etc.

Everything I do in my life right now I feel the need to ask some authority figure, i.e. someone who is not me, if it is okay. Are the quiet moments I have and love okay? Is seeking one life over another okay? Is resting okay? Is this fear okay? Am I okay?

I fear regret, pain, grief, loss, change, 'wrong decisions'. But I cannot let this paralyse me. I must move forward. I must let life happen, because life is good and I cannot just let it pass me by.