Friday 8 February 2019

The wind and the rain.

The wind blows so strong and fast today and it rains intermittently. It rains almost exclusively when I am cycling. The wind is so strong and uncertain, coming from all directions it possibly can, and the rain is so cold and each drop feels like a personal assault. I resent my bike and it being my only means of transport.

I want to get off my bike and kick it and then cry. And then call my mum for no reason other than to express my discontent. Why does expressing my discontent to my mother over the phone feel better than anything else?

It is hard to cycle in strong winds because my legs and the bike are sometimes not as strong and neither of us are sure which direction we are pushing against. You have to push harder and today I do not have the energy.

I’m reading a book for an essay. It’s by Ali Smith, it’s really good. In the opening of the book the narrator describes Saturday nights as a child and I feel nostalgic and sad. I remember Saturday nights being long and full of good tv and nothing needed doing. Now everything needs doing all the time.

Why does no one tell you that adulthood is relentless?

Or maybe they do tell you that, but when everything seems long and nothing needs doing it is hard to listen.

Today I want everything to stop and I want to feel like nothing needs doing. The pleasure of ticking something off a to-do list, however, is almost orgasmic.

Most weather is fun in its own way. But the wind always puts me on edge. It’s like there are strong winds inside of me (don’t laugh, I mean in my heart and my head!) and I cannot rest. I feel this almost every time it is windy. Even the sky is restless.

And yet, nothing will stop today. It will be in motion, everything, all day, in all directions. It is hard to move in all directions. So I will stop and try and stand my ground and wait. I think tomorrow, or the next day, when the wind settles, I will settle too.

No comments:

Post a Comment