Thursday, 30 June 2016

Stream of consciousness.

It's like I'm always wanting to write something, but I'm not exactly sure what it is, or even how to write it. I make excuses throughout the day to write nothing at all. I'm tired, I've done other things, I deserve a break. Am I avoiding it because I truly don't want to do it? Or because I'm afraid of the result. What if I really can't write what I want to? I want to write fiction. I wrote a lot of it when I was younger, but now I'm too scared. I avoid all the stories in my head so that I don't have to write them down. I have ideas, I just don't know how they will form on the page. I can't get my words to come out right. What was it I was wanting to say again? Why doesn't my voice sound like the other writers I like? Is it supposed to sound different? Is it good enough to just be different? 

Writing this post won't actually make me write something like a short story today, it'll just allow me to scratch the itch that always bothers me. I can get some words out. It's always a relief. I don't feel so guilty then.

I don't know why I feel so guilty anyway. Id love to just laze around and watch tv without the horrible feeling that I have neglected something more important. "Rory Gilmore would just get on with it", I think as I lie like a potato watching her go about her made up life. See, I want to make up characters powerful enough the audience almost thinks of them as real. How can I do that when I don't ever put pen to paper on the matter? 

I wonder if it's worth going on a course. Would I hate it? Would I feel even guiltier? Or perhaps it would spur me on to develop a different voice to myself in a protagonist. I'd love that. To write as someone else. Someone so separate from my own self. 

I wonder if I'll look back at this and laugh as I hold the first copy of my own book. Maybe I'll look back at this and still feel a twinge of guilt. I just wish I would get off my backside and do something.