Like clouds across the sky.

I am so fickle when it comes to my emotions. I have had moments of such plain sailing that I wish for something, anything, to make a splash whether it be happy or sad. In these moments I forget how exhausting it is to be either. I forget quite how dark dark moments can be. I think, "have my emotions gone now? Will I be flat-lining forever? Did I use everything up?". The answer is, of course, no. And as soon as I stop "flat-lining" on feelings and dip below into something unpleasant, I wish once more for the sense of being just 'okay'.

It is hard to accept any status of being. When I am happy I fear for the end of the happiness, when I am excited I wonder about possible disappointment, when I am sad I wish desperately for it to be over, when I am neutral I forget all of that. I wonder what would happen if I just was. If I just listened and observed, or simply allowed any feeling that I might have, would I enjoy and appreciate it more? Or, with feelings that are uncomfortable, if I stopped trying to fight them would they dissipate quicker?

I have been trying to forgive myself recently, and trying to be kind, and trying to let myself be. If I sink low I try and say "Yes, that's okay. That's normal. Just let it be".  And most of the time it works. It comes and goes. I let it in, and then it leaves me more peacefully that if I had tried to put up a fight.

The same goes for moments of lightness, if I let it come in, if I don't question or analyse it,  I find it stays for longer, it is more enjoyable. I ignore my thoughts when they say, "why are you happy? Let me find all the sad things. Remember the turmoil? Should that come back? Remember why you were sad? When will this end? Happiness doesn't last!"

I think it is working. I feel softer, more at peace. Even the moments of turmoil feel less sharp when they come and go. Even the moments of plain sailing, the flat-lining, the neutrality of feeling, they feel calm and gentle. If I just stop and observe, or if I just let it be, I feel the tension drain away and I watch as all these different colours and feelings wave in and out like clouds across the sky.