Outrageous.

I don't really know how to respond to the news of the week. I am too tired to be outraged. The news that reaches us through the media is nearly always bad but now everything has that little tinge of being completely bizarre. I have no idea what is going on. My Government and Politics AS Level has been of absolutely no use to me. I am starting to admit to myself that some of my political stances were sometimes subconsciously based on the most popular opinion. Not in a necessarily unthinking way; I am inclined to agree with policies that are non-exploitative, support the needy and are not self-serving for a lucky few, but I did find myself getting outraged by things I had absolutely no proof for and often quite little understanding.

And now the Amazonian forest is on fire and our Prime Minister is on some sort of power trip because he's decided he can't be bothered to manage any deal for Brexit. I understand that much. I'm just quite tired of it all. What can I do? The constituency I vote in is a safe seat for a Tory MP who I don't trust and don't like. Not that that matters anyway because no one I know (surprisingly I don't know any Conservative party members) actually voted for this Prime Minister so apparently it really is just a bit of a free for all when it comes to democracy. And by "free for all" I mean it's really brilliant for the very small amount at the very, very top and a bit shit and pointless for the rest of us. I might be being a bit defeatist here but at this point the only option may as well be to sit back and watch it all crash and burn. I have signed the petition to stop the early prorogation of Parliament but that has currently made me feel about as useful and powerful as a dry wet-wipe.

God, maybe I am outraged. Maybe I do understand in as much as you can make sense of what the hell is going on. I need to re-evaluate and refresh how I form political opinions, I need to be careful of the information I read, hear and see every day but I can also give myself a break because apparently no one else has a clue either.

In the future

Imagine being able to live in the present all the time. To be someone who can think of only what is directly in front of them, taking in every surrounding of the current moment. Are there people who can do that? Who don't spend hours worrying over tiny little details of a hypothetical future?

How does one just completely know and see themselves in the present? I am certainly old enough now to know that the future is never how you imagined it, that the future is and always will be entirely made up. And yet I obsess over it.

What if this or that happens? What if I never do this? What if I can't do that?

What a silly thing to worry over the future like that and not notice every great thing happening right now. Maybe one day I'll get over it, in the future...

Clearing out.

I have been clearing out my room to make space for my new life in it. My adult life. Likelihood is I won't be able to afford to move out of my family home for a while and so my parents are kind enough to house me until I can finally flee the nest.

So I had to do this clearing up to allow myself to feel like an adult rather than a teenager surrounded by the forgotten objects of her childhood. Okay, not so forgotten. I am a sucker for sentimental memorabilia. I couldn't bring myself to throw out my extensive Doctor Who collection so it now resides in a box under my bed. But it's funny how we apply meaning to literal 'things', how it's a slight thrill to purge all the useless crap you've collected over the years.

A new beginning means a blank space is needed, somewhere to fill with new memories, a new self. I have not completely wiped the slate clean. Parts of my life are still represented by material objects placed around my room, but it feels pretty good to finally let go of that year 10 science book I felt ridiculous sentimental attachment to a few years ago. Its in the back of my car ready to get recycled at the tip. I guess that makes me feel a bit more grown up...