The thing is my brain is very full. I'm not even sure that's the correct statement. I think my brain is very busy. I am sure it is busier than when I was at school, or uni. I think this is because I don't know what the next thing is so I am constantly worrying what the next thing is.
There was a time when the grown ups would worry about the big stuff and now I am the grown up and I get even more grown up all the time and I have to worry about the big stuff even if I'm not sure what the big stuff is and how it works.
I feel like there isn't enough time in the day to work it all out. It sort of all happens in a rush and I am left breathless, on the other side thinking "how did all that time pass?"
By "it" and "this" and "stuff" I mean all the little life bits. And big life bits. Seeing friends, maintaining and growing a career, earning money, buying food, cooking food, watching TV, reading books, going on holiday, learning facts, keeping up to date with politics in this country and around the world, being suckered into buying and consuming clothes and objects, seeing family, exercising, losing weight, teaching myself to not care about weight.
It's all buzzing about in my head. And then I question it all. I wonder if I'm doing it right. I compare myself to others. Shouldn't I be -? Should I be -?
And it never stops. I realise now that it won't ever stop. This is it. This is life. It will just keep coming like one long train. And that's okay, but it's a bit scary. I know it would be easier if I could perhaps be a little less neurotic about it all.
But that's life, isn't it? It's all just never-ending until it's not. In a good way, in a bad way, in all the ways in between.
