Being twenty-two feels like the worst thing in the world even though I know that it might be one of the best.
The problem with being twenty-two is that I am not old enough to truly know that life is long and sprawling, and not young enough to see it all hopefully before me. Even though I know that it is all before me, and I know that it is long.
I know that life will keep being thrown up in the air and I may or may not get better at dealing with it but I will always get through it.
I know that right now my heart is hurting and it feels like it might never stop hurting, but I know that it will because it did before. At least I am old enough now to know that.
Being twenty-two feels like the worst thing in the world because I just want to know that I will be okay when I do not feel okay and I can't see into the future. I want my older self to come and cradle me. I want her to show me all the things I do, all the people I meet, all the love I have. I want her to come and tell me that the fear that spreads out through my chest right now is futile. There is nothing to fear.
There is nothing to fear but I am scared of wanting things in case I never get them. I am scared of disappointment because I know what it feels like and I want it to end.
But at the same time I am not scared of failure because I know that I never will fail. Not truly, not finally, not permanently. I know that I am strong enough and brave enough and wilful enough to keep going, keep going, keep going.
Being twenty-two feels weird because I know that there is a future self that is telling me all these things right now. She is there, and I am here, and we co-exist. I move towards her but she is never still. She whispers back to the self that I am now and says that my big, beating, bleeding heart only ever gets bigger, only ever keeps healing.
Being twenty-two is the best thing in the world because I am here, I am living, and my heart is beating so fast and so hard and I can look forwards and backwards and know that life is good and pain is good and love is always, always there.
And, being twenty-two, I will get up off the floor (get up, Mollie!) and keep going, keep going, keep going.
Friday 24 April 2020
Wednesday 15 April 2020
Hoping.
This is, without a doubt, the most bizarre thing I've ever experienced. I think for anyone who hasn't lived through a war or any situation that turns "normal" life for an entire population on its head this is so... weird.
I don't imagine that lockdown and the threat of a virus is anything like living through a war. I'm not going to make comparisons, because people are experiencing grief and fear in different measures, I just don't think they are the same thing.
But this is of course coming from a view of the world that, up until this point, life moved smoothly and without significant disruption. World war, cold wars, etc were a thing in the history books. Something we learnt about at school in the safety of classrooms. Disruption happened on a personal scale, only affecting one family, one person at a time. It didn't happen to everyone all at once.
I think the thing I'm most surprised about is how quickly we adapt. Nothing like a crisis to remind ourselves that life goes on, we make it through. No matter what happens, we will come out the other side.
There is also a reason for that. Most of us pull together in bizarre times like these. We re-group, reconsider, work as a community. We do it because we are social animals, because we need to protect the pack, protect the tribe, protect the human race. We do it because we are sentimental, because we feel love, grief and, perhaps most of all, hope.
What I hope continues into "normal" life once this is all over is the kindness we have finally allowed ourselves. Kindness to yourself, kindness to others. Forgiveness, understanding, being gentle. I believe it is proving the only effective thing getting us through. Everything else, the selfishness, the greed, the lack of community spirit, has proven entirely useless. We have found a much greater level of compassion, and it is allowing the world to keep spinning.
I don't know. Perhaps I am being too wishy-washy. Perhaps my ideas and thoughts are not grounded in any "reality". But I am just hoping, that is all, and it is getting me through.
I don't imagine that lockdown and the threat of a virus is anything like living through a war. I'm not going to make comparisons, because people are experiencing grief and fear in different measures, I just don't think they are the same thing.
But this is of course coming from a view of the world that, up until this point, life moved smoothly and without significant disruption. World war, cold wars, etc were a thing in the history books. Something we learnt about at school in the safety of classrooms. Disruption happened on a personal scale, only affecting one family, one person at a time. It didn't happen to everyone all at once.
I think the thing I'm most surprised about is how quickly we adapt. Nothing like a crisis to remind ourselves that life goes on, we make it through. No matter what happens, we will come out the other side.
There is also a reason for that. Most of us pull together in bizarre times like these. We re-group, reconsider, work as a community. We do it because we are social animals, because we need to protect the pack, protect the tribe, protect the human race. We do it because we are sentimental, because we feel love, grief and, perhaps most of all, hope.
What I hope continues into "normal" life once this is all over is the kindness we have finally allowed ourselves. Kindness to yourself, kindness to others. Forgiveness, understanding, being gentle. I believe it is proving the only effective thing getting us through. Everything else, the selfishness, the greed, the lack of community spirit, has proven entirely useless. We have found a much greater level of compassion, and it is allowing the world to keep spinning.
I don't know. Perhaps I am being too wishy-washy. Perhaps my ideas and thoughts are not grounded in any "reality". But I am just hoping, that is all, and it is getting me through.
Tuesday 7 April 2020
Pontificating on 'The Tiger King'.
'The Tiger King' is a documentary on Netflix about private zoo owner Joe Exotic. It has been an extremely popular, binge-worthy event. You watch for the shock-factor, the voyeurism, the horror, the intrigue. I finished with a bad taste in my mouth.
It is like watching an adaptation of a Graham Greene novel. Every time you think you've located a source of good, a source of morality, every human involved demonstrates the capacity for potential, or actual, evil. On all "sides" there is incessant greed for power, status and money. There is incessant violence, incitement of violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation, betrayal, lying, entrapment, preying on the vulnerable. Deep, deep misogyny.
I felt so angry at the end. There are characters in this story who continue to behave in the most damaging, horrific way. They did not get their comeuppance.
But, of course, that's the point. I've projected my ideas of right and wrong onto this story and I expect them to be met with a sense of justice. I expect it all to come full circle.
As well as making parallels with a Graham Greene novel, I kept thinking that the structure of the documentary follows the same structure of a Shakespearean tragedy. A protagonist falls from some sort of elevated status due to an act of evil, and the whole story world collapses. I even felt, at some points, sorry for Joe Exotic as if he had some sort of tragic flaw. But I wanted the conspirators to fall too. I wanted 'The Tiger King' to be like 'Hamlet' where every character compliant in the moral wrong dies (gets their justice).
But Shakespeare knew, like Greene, that that is not how the world works. Our sense of morality is futile after a point.
Despite all this pontificating I am still holding out for a hero. The hero being any vague sense of karma, justice, satisfaction. I want Jeff Lowe, Doc Antle etc, etc. to have their worlds collapse too. That would be fair, wouldn't it?
It is like watching an adaptation of a Graham Greene novel. Every time you think you've located a source of good, a source of morality, every human involved demonstrates the capacity for potential, or actual, evil. On all "sides" there is incessant greed for power, status and money. There is incessant violence, incitement of violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, exploitation, betrayal, lying, entrapment, preying on the vulnerable. Deep, deep misogyny.
I felt so angry at the end. There are characters in this story who continue to behave in the most damaging, horrific way. They did not get their comeuppance.
But, of course, that's the point. I've projected my ideas of right and wrong onto this story and I expect them to be met with a sense of justice. I expect it all to come full circle.
As well as making parallels with a Graham Greene novel, I kept thinking that the structure of the documentary follows the same structure of a Shakespearean tragedy. A protagonist falls from some sort of elevated status due to an act of evil, and the whole story world collapses. I even felt, at some points, sorry for Joe Exotic as if he had some sort of tragic flaw. But I wanted the conspirators to fall too. I wanted 'The Tiger King' to be like 'Hamlet' where every character compliant in the moral wrong dies (gets their justice).
But Shakespeare knew, like Greene, that that is not how the world works. Our sense of morality is futile after a point.
Despite all this pontificating I am still holding out for a hero. The hero being any vague sense of karma, justice, satisfaction. I want Jeff Lowe, Doc Antle etc, etc. to have their worlds collapse too. That would be fair, wouldn't it?
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