I have this funny habit of wanting to own things. Not material things, I don't feel especially strongly about objects. I enjoy having objects, I enjoy materialistic pleasure but I don't feel it so urgently as this other type of possession.
Mostly it is in moments of insecurity that I get this sensation, as if it is linked to proving myself, to marking myself out as worthy. It will happen in conversation or imagined conversation or even conversations I am not a part of and it will rush up inside of me hot and aggressive. The need to possess a concept, or an abstract thing, something which is not tangible but something I want to be inarguably connected to.
How do I explain this?
Say, for example, my dad had invented something really cool (he hasn't, sorry) and everyone knew about the cool thing but they didn't necessarily know that my dad had invented it. And it came up in conversation, without anyone else knowing how intrinsically linked I was to this cool thing, well, that is when the sensation comes along. I would feel an overwhelming desire to own that thing. To make it known that somehow, in some tenuous connection, I was a part of the thing.
I suppose it is linked to uniqueness. The desire to stand out from the pack, in the impossible task of becoming more immortal than everyone else. If they remember you for something, if they can see how different you are, that you possess this cool thing, you won't become ordinary and therefore invisible. I dread invisibility, especially when a moment of insecurity can convince me that I might be.
It is a way of being heard and noticed, to own something. Maybe that is how people feel about material things, and I feel it about tenuous links to concepts or events or facts that might make me seem cooler. Might give me more value.
Weird, isn't it.
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